My biggest lesson from New Zealand

My husband and I recently took a trip to New Zealand.  One of the sights I was most excited about, one which I was told was a “must see” by many, was Milford Sound.  Milford Sound is not actually a sound, but a fjord.  It was carved millions of years ago as a glacier scraped its way towards its eventual end in the Tasman Sea leaving behind sheer cliff faces that plummet into the watery inlet.

It was a 4-hour drive away from where we were staying to Milford Sound, so one morning we got up extra early to begin the drive towards our afternoon cruise.  As we started our trek the sky began to darken as it filled with clouds and then heavy rain.  I felt myself tense up, frustrated and upset that there was a storm on the one day I really wanted it to be clear!  I found that my eyes were solely focused on the storm – relentlessly watching to see if I could find one little sliver of sunshine popping through.   As we climbed higher into the mountains the clouds and rain engulfed us even more.   We could see hints of grand landscape but our sight was so limited by the clouds.  I knew I was missing something spectacular.   This feeling of missing out, which many of us feel all the time, became my single focus.  Oh, how this robs me of so much in life.

As we got closer, we suddenly saw hundreds upon hundreds of natural waterfalls all over the rain-soaked mountains zig-zagging every which way because of the rain.  Our view was still partially obscured, but no doubt it was beautiful!  Stunning!  Yet, a little part of me kept focused on how magnificent it would look if it were a clear “perfect” day.

We arrived for our cruise, and wouldn’t you know it, the clouds lifted entirely.  It was magnificent!  It was more than magnificent!  There were rainbows in places the captain had never seen before.  The waterfalls were full and rushing, the mountains sparkling, the air clear and crisp after a good rain.  It couldn’t have been better.

As we drove home I thought about the day.  I thought about how much time and energy I spent needing it to all work out perfectly, the way I imagined and expected.  I spent a lot of the ride out worrying and fretting.  All that did for me was keep me from experiencing fully the beauty that was happening around me, in the storm.

The drive home was clear. We saw everything I thought I missed.  And you know what?  It was pretty.  But it sure wasn’t all that I created and imagined it to be in my head.   In fact, what Chris and I talk most about now is the hundreds of waterfalls we saw and how we have never seen or experienced anything quite like it.  The waterfalls that we saw were gone on our ride home, only there because of the rainstorm.  Had we not had the rain, we would never have known the waterfalls.  I did not realize this at the time.  I was so focused on the outcome that it kept me from experiencing the now.

I do this a lot.  The perfectionist part of me has a way I want things to work out, want things to look.  This part of me keeps me from seeing.  Seeing the good in the midst of the “imperfection” or “undesired” situations.  In fact, often seeing the better.

This metaphor is applicable in many big and small parts of my life.  God is teaching me, and perhaps you, to live in the present, to experience the “what is” in all its fullness instead of the “what if’s” and missing out on the ride.  I’m being stretched to open my eyes and look around instead of always looking backwards or forwards.  To begin to open my hands instead of having such a tight grip on what I need the outcomes to be.

Thomas Merton writes, “We cannot see things in perspective until we cease to hug them to our own bosom”

Who knows, there might be tremendous beauty in the storm if we can open ourselves up to see it.  And maybe, just maybe, a spectacular rainbow that we never expected at the end.

Relationship Myth #2: If I have to express my needs it doesn’t count!

Two Valentine’s days ago, I told my husband Chris, “I don’t need anything for Valentines day except for a nice card with lots of words written in it”.

That was all I wanted (or so I thought at the time, silly me).   But then, as Valentine’s Day approached and I started seeing posts on Facebook about all the beautiful flowers being sent and received, I noticed a little desire creep in— I wanted flowers.

Did I tell Chris this desire?  No.  Surely he would just know.

Valentine’s day came along.  And Chris gave me a really wonderful card with lots of words written.  I could see his happiness as I read the words he had thoughtfully and lovingly written to me.

But there were no flowers.

I felt myself get upset, disappointed, hurt.  He should have known (aka, he should have read my mind)!

Poor guy could feel me being stand-offish and yet had no idea why, especially after writing such nice affirmations of love.

I remember battling myself- I knew it was unfair for me to be upset because I had specifically told him “only a card,” but I also could not shake the disappointed and hurt feeling.  I knew I had a choice.  Our day could go one of two ways:  I could share how I felt and most likely Chris would respond well and we would have a nice day or I could hold my feelings in and act passive aggressively until he figured out why I was being reserved (I don’t like this side of myself) and we would likely not have a good day.

The choice seems obvious, yet in that moment it felt hard to express my feelings.  I was caught in the trap of thinking he should know, he should read my mind.

Finally, after a good amount of stewing I said, “I’m feeling disappointed because you did not give me flowers.  I know it’s not your fault because I told you I only wanted a card”.

He responded really well and on the way to our lunch he took an unexpected turn and got me some flowers at Trader Joe’s.  We had a lovely rest of the day.

The temptation in this moment- the immature, insecure reaction that many of us (myself included) can fall prey to is to think- that didn’t count!  Those flowers, that loving gesture didn’t count, because I had to ask for it!

This is not only false, but it also sets our partners up to feel that they can never win.

I get why this tempting thought enters in.  There is a part of all of us that longs to be fully known.  It is from this vulnerable place that we start to form the distorted thought, “If I have to share my needs, it doesn’t count because he/she should know me well enough to just know them”.  Somehow if they don’t just know what we need they don’t really love us, they don’t really know us, they don’t really care.  The ability of our partner to read our mind begins to correlate falsely with the amount to which they love us.

How much pressure does this put on relationships?!  It sounds exhausting even as I write it.  Not only do I have to understand and be in touch with my own emotions and needs- I also have to fully know and anticipate every need of my partner! Whew! All this while still trying to find time to sleep, pay the bills, exercise, and eat.

I don’t know about you, but this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.  It sure is not a way to set a relationship up for success.

One of the most important lessons I have learned in the area of needs and expectations is that it is easy to absolve ourselves of the responsibility of getting our own needs met.  It is easy to fall into a pattern of putting responsibility on another to meet our needs for us.  This is unfair to the people we love.

It would have been unfair of me to treat Chris poorly all day until he figured out that I wanted flowers.  Its vulnerable for me to share my need- as is often the case- it felt silly and embarrassing to be upset over flowers.  Yet once I was able to take responsibility for my need I could express it in a way that was not attacking, blaming or criticizing.  I could express it in a way that could be heard.

Someone once said to me, “expectations are resentments waiting to happen”.  I’m going to take my own twist on it and say, “unexpressed expectations and needs are resentments waiting to happen”.

When we stay stuck in the myth- if we have to express our needs it doesn’t count – all that builds is hurt, anger, and resentment.  For yourself and for those you love, fight against this tempting and relationship-sabotaging myth.  You’ll be grateful you did.

P.S. I get flowers every Valentine’s day now

Myths of dating/relationships #1: Finding a mate will cure my loneliness

It can often be believed that “If I could only find someone”, “If I were only married,” then I wouldn’t be lonely anymore.  I remember believing this myth myself.  Cognitively I knew it was not true, but deep down I did believe –or hope- that if I could only find that “other” then loneliness would go away forever.

The truth, however, is that loneliness does not disappear just because you are in a relationship.  Loneliness is still very possible in dating and marriage relationships, and actually is often the reason for affairs and divorce.

Do you know that feeling when you are surrounded by a ton of people and yet you still feel completely lonely?  I love the lyrics the old band Bush in their song, Glycerine, “I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time”.  Do any of you resonate with this?  I know have.  This feeling of loneliness, though not physically alone, happens in relationships also.

This is because loneliness is not the lack of people around you, it is the lack of feeling known or loved for your true self. 

I’ve been asked a lot in the last couple years,  “Do you just love being married?!”  My answer is always, “I love being married to Chris”.  Now that I am married I am so much more aware of how miserable and lonely marriage would be if I was not loved for my true self; if I was not free to be my authentic person, the good and the bad.

Many of us feel loved or known for the false self we portray to others.  We hide behind masks- and today there are so many masks to wear: facebook, IM, twitter, instagram, texting … the list goes on and on.  There is a fear of exposing the real because often the real is messy.  We are afraid that if people know the real us, they won’t like it – perhaps we are even afraid to show ourselves the real self!  This allows loneliness’s hold on us to remain that much stronger.

It is hard to be our true self when our true self is a combination of all sorts of good and bad, feelings we love, feelings we don’t love, things we are proud of, things we are embarrassed of.  It can feel that in order to fit in, be accepted or be loved we must only present the good.

So what we do, in order to cope with this loneliness, is put on masks that we think are lovable when what we really want is to be loved for who we really are. 

But that’s tiring.  That’s exhausting.  And it sure doesn’t help us feel less lonely.  In the end, we are caught in a catch-22.  We put on the mask to make people love us, but the mask prevents anyone from being able to see and love who we really are.

And so our task in dealing with our loneliness is not to find another person, but to find our self.

I like to think of each person as a disco ball.  Each little mirror on a disco ball represents a different part of us- perhaps a part that is artistic, a part that is gentle, a part that is quick to anger, a part that is insecure, and so on.  We discover our true self as we discover what those individual mirrors are.  Not what we think they should be, not what others have told us they should be, but what they actually are.

Then, with God and with safe people, we let the disco ball spin and expose the different parts of ourselves to others.  Parts that in the past we have perhaps been afraid to show.  As we do this, we can begin to love our self and experience being loved by others in authentic and transforming ways.

This is what loosens the strong grip of loneliness.

The Challenge of Seeing the Good and the Bad

In this post I want to explore one of the areas that Henry Cloud dives into in his book,

Changes that Heal, which I’m going to call seeing both the good and the bad. I find this subject to be invaluable.

Before we dive into it, I want to share a story about a six-year-old client of mine, that for anonymity sake I will call Lisa.

During one of our regular sessions, I had Lisa draw her family members and some friends on a large piece of paper. She drew the four members of her family and also drew two friends, Rachel and Rachel. When I asked about the two Rachel’s she clarified that one was the mean Rachel and one was the nice Rachel.

Meanwhile, I had a couple dozen notecards that I had written phrases such as, “the one who laughs the most”, “the one who yells the most”, “the one who sleeps the most” and so on.

I then read them aloud and Lisa placed them on top of the person who she felt most fit the description. Interestingly all the notecards landed on one of the two Rachels. Mean Rachel was the one who made Lisa “cry the most,” who “yelled the most,” and who “laughed the most” (Lisa clarified that it wasn’t a nice laugh with you, it was a mean laughing at you laugh!). Nice Rachel was the “happiest,” “the one who smiled the most,” “the one who was the kindest.” I began to get a picture of this girl, Rachel, who was really lovely and sweet but also could be very mean and hurtful.

I could tell my client was really affected by this girl and so at the end of the session, in private, I asked Lisa’s mom, Kathy, if Lisa has a friend named Rachel? Kathy said no, she didn’t think so, and then she paused for a moment and said, “but when we play dress up at home, Lisa plays Rachel.”

I was floored! Here was this little girl, sitting in my office, in her own way wrestling with the notion: how can I sometimes be so mean and hurtful and yet also be so loving, kind and thoughtful? She was trying to sort out and make sense of these two very real and yet very opposing sides of her. How could she be both good and bad?

This six-year-olds question is a struggle for most of us. It seems a contradiction for people to be both good and bad at the same time. In order to make sense of this contradiction, we tend to split people into the “all good” or “all bad” category.

Why is this so wrong, you might ask? It sure seems easier to see someone who has hurt us in huge ways as “all bad” or to see someone who we hold on a pedestal as “all good”.

To see both is too hard, too painful. As though to see good in that person who hurt us disqualifies the hurt they inflicted or to see bad in the one we have idealized completely ruins the role they’ve had in our life. It’s too messy. It’s easier to keep good and bad separate; to stay split.

Staying split, though easier, is not worth it. For what results, according to Cloud, are the following two problems:

1. The inability to tolerate the bad: one’s weakness or failure

2. The inability to see the good: one’s strength and success

Inability to tolerate the bad

Have you ever thought you were really good at public speaking and then had a speech that flopped and you felt you were a total failure? Or you had a tough conversation with a friend about how you let her down and afterwards you felt horrible about yourself – like you are “all bad”. Any hint of weakness sends you over the edge. Anyone relate?

If we are unable to tolerate weakness and failure in ourselves it often results in a level of anxiety and perfectionism that is exhausting and joy-stealing.

Similarly, have you ever been in a relationship where you felt you couldn’t measure up to the standards the other person had for you? Or perhaps you dismissed or rejected someone the moment they hurt or disappointed you. If we are unable to tolerate any amount of failure or weakness in those we love, our relationships will suffer. We will likely have a successive string of broken or strained relationships because no one can measure up and stay in the “all good” category forever. That’s a lot of pressure on a person or a relationship.

Inability to see the good

Sometimes our own insecurities, brokenness or anger get in the way of seeing someone’s goodness. Sometimes when someone has hurt us we find it too hard to see any of their goodness. I get this. I’ve done this. But what often results is only self-pity, bitterness and sometimes the loss of a really good relationship.

Or perhaps it’s uncomfortable for you to see or acknowledge your own good parts. As though to love and know the ways that you are wonderful would be arrogant or cocky. Perhaps you have learned that you will be more accepted and loved by others if you downplay your good and so over time you have lost sight of any good that you have. How has this impacted your self-esteem? Or your ability to love yourself as God loves you?

Seeing both!

Though often easier to make two very simple categories of “all good” or “all bad” what results, among many other things, are poor self-esteem, strained relationships, depression and anxiety.

Seeing both the good and bad in others allows your relationships to be more authentic and honest as you are loving and accepting others for their true self rather than their partial self. When we can see others in a true light we are more able to forgive, more able to move forward, and more able to have meaningful relationship.

Seeing both the good and bad in yourself allows you to grow as you learn to love and accept yourself for your true self. Accepting the bad parts doesn’t mean liking or agreeing but it is getting out of denial and acknowledging with grace and not harsh judgment. It is from this place that growth, change and lasting healing can take place.

Seeing both is worth it. Give a whirl!:)

Mindfulness: Getting a Handle on Worry

I hope you all are having a wonderful New Year so far!

For those of you who read my last blog, I introduced the difference between productive and unproductive worry.  This concept is really helpful for me- by even just naming a worry “productive” or “unproductive” I am able to figure out which worries are worth my time and which ones waste my time (and energy).

In this blog I want to expand a bit more on “unproductive” worries and a tool we can begin to use to help calm our minds.

To review, unproductive worries, are the worries that lead us down an endless path of “what if” questions – questions that can’t be answered and problems that can’t be solved anytime soon.   These are the worries that keep us up at night, make us doubt, keep us in fear, and ultimately prevent us from moving forward.  (“What if I don’t get married,” “What if I get fired,” “What if I get cancer,” “What if my kid gets hurt,” “What if no one likes me?”)

There are a lot of tools to use to help with unproductive worry.  The one I want to look at today is the practice of mindfulness.  My Aunt Kathy has introduced me to and taught me a lot about this practice.  I’m not good at it personally but I love it and am working to be better.

Mindfulness, very simply, is being present in the here and now.  It is learning to pay attention and acknowledge our thoughts and emotions moment to moment without attaching meaning to them. Sounds simple enough, right?

This is a lot harder than it seems. Most of us, as we try to focus on the here and now, become distracted by thoughts of the future, make judgments about what we are doing and work to control our experiences.  Thus we worry. We fear. We avoid. We control.

I’m going to expand on a couple ways to start practicing and getting acquainted with mindfulness:

1. Gain Distance

In Leahy’s book The Worry Cure, which I highly recommend, Leahy talks about the concept of “gaining distance” from our thoughts.

Gaining distance is taking a step back from our thoughts and recognizing that they are just thoughts. Instead of saying,  “I am never going to get this done!” it is saying “I am simply having the thought that I will never get this done” or instead of saying “I will always be alone” to say “I am simply having the thought that I will always be alone”. Thoughts are just thoughts, they are not a crystal ball revealing what will happen in the future.  Worriers tend to treat their negative thoughts as reality.  But thoughts are not reality.

Gaining distance from our thoughts also allows us to remember all the times where our negative thoughts did not come true!   I recommend keeping record of these times as a way to help yourself remember.  When things get tough and you start to treat your negative thoughts as real you can refer back and see that what you feared would happen, didn’t.

2.     Observe vs. attach meaning

Suppose I found out on facebook that somebody had a party that I wasn’t invited to.  From there I start to attach the meaning: “I’m not fun,” “I’m always going to be left out,” “Nobody likes me,” “I’m the only one who feels this way,” “I wonder if its because I am not cool enough”, “What’s wrong with me,” “I don’t matter.”

This meaning only leads us down a rabbit trail of unanswerable assumptions.  Perhaps they are right, perhaps they are wrong.  But somehow in these anxious moments we treat them all as hard core TRUTH.  No option for alternatives.

If I were to practice mindfulness I might say to myself “I wasn’t invited to this party.  I feel sad and left out.”  Observe.  Acknowledge feelings.  Then let it go without attaching meaning (“I wonder why….” “This must mean I am….”)

This is not easy, especially because as humans we want to make meaning, it helps us make sense of things.   Somehow we think if we can understand a situation then we can let it go or then we will be okay.  Usually this is not the case.

The problem of attaching meaning is that we tend to treat our meaning as truth, without testing it out, without challenging our often distorted and anxious thoughts.  We treat these meanings as fact, when they are merely one of many hypotheses.

Mindfulness, in summary, is being purposeful about being in the present, observing what is happening here and now without attaching meaning, without jumping to conclusions about all the “what if’s” in the future or that can’t be known.  It’s a form of meditation but mainly for me it’s a way to keep my thought life in check in order to calm my mind and help me not stay stuck on thoughts that are harmful and not necessarily true.  Give it a try, you’ll likely fail many a time as I have but in time and with practice, I hope it can become more a way of being for all of us.

For more resources and more information about me you can visit my website at www.lindsaysturgeon.com or email me at lindsayksturgeon@gmail.com

Worry: Productive vs. Unproductive

Many of us, myself included, can be plagued by worry.  It can be all consuming and rob us of joy and full living.  So, my first series of blogs are going to center around worry and how to “worry well.”   I say “worry well” because so often you hear people say “just don’t worry about that” or “just put that out of your mind” and though that would be nice if it were that easy, it’s not.

Part of why it is so difficult to “just stop worrying” is that worrying can be useful.  Many worriers feel that worrying helps them prepare, plan, not be surprised, get motivated.  This is true for some worry.  For instance if I am worried whether I am going to get to the airport on time I will make sure I have enough gas, a reliable ride, leave with enough time.  These are responsible actions – worrying in this case helped me to take action in a constructive way.  This is what we call PRODUCTIVE worry.

Productive worry, according to Robert Leahy, PhD, author of The Worry Cure, is worry that leads to productive action that you can take right now; it helps get problems solved. Unproductive worry, on the other hand, does not lead to any productive action but only leads you down a path of endless “what-ifs” that can’t be answered and only lead to more worry.

Two questions you can ask yourself when trying to distinguish whether your worry is a productive worry or an unproductive worry are:  

1. 1.     Would a reasonable person worry about this?
2. 2.     Is there an action step you can take TODAY (or very soon) to help with your worry?

If the answer to both of these questions is YES then this is a PRODUCTIVE worry.   Recognizing a worry as productive or unproductive can help you figure out how to best handle your worry.  If you determine that your worry is productive, think about what ACTION STEP you can take today (or very soon) and act on it.

A couple examples of PRODUCTIVE worry include:

Imagine if you are worried whether your headaches mean that you have a brain tumor. Would a reasonable person worry about this – I’m going to be lenient and say yes.  Is there an action step you can take today to help with this worry?  Yes.  You can call your doctor and schedule an appointment to share your concerns.  So do that.  It will help relieve some of your anxiety as you take practical steps to care for your worry.  The alternative to identifying your worry as productive and taking action on it is dwelling on this worry endlessly without taking action.  This often leads to a lot of “jumping to conclusions” or “predicting the future” as you start to treat your negative thought as true.  

Another example might be worrying about whether your friend is mad at you because she seemed distant from you at a party last night.  Once again you can go through the questions and determine whether this is a productive or unproductive worry.  I would say this is productive – and the action that can be taken is to call your friend and ask her in a sincere and kind way.  The alternative in this situation is once again to jump to conclusions, to stew and dwell, perhaps be defensive or stand off-ish with your friend because you are treating your negative thought as true without taking action to find out the truth.

In my next blogs I will explore more about UNPRODUCTIVE worry- the worry that creates so much undue anguish, fear and stress.  I will explore how we get “sidetracked into unproductive worry” as Robert Leahy calls it and what we can do about it.

My hope for you and for me in this new year is that we can learn to put worry in its proper place so that it can be helpful and not harmful to us and we can live with a lot more joy and peace.

Happy New Year everyone.

New Years Resolution!

One of my new years resolutions is to start a blog.  I’ve wanted to do this for quite a while and I’m finally acting on my want.  My desire for this blog is a place to share some of my own reflections and thoughts on different books, articles and various psychology topics that I come across in my work as an individual and family therapist.  I hope this can be a place to spur thinking about your own life and relationships and keep growing and learning in both.   Happy New Years and happy reading!